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You want me to behave. But I don't naturally know what is safe and what is dangerous,
what is socially appropriate and what is not. Helping me behave involves setting
limits that teach me to avoid danger and learn socially acceptable behaviors. It
also involves guiding my behavior by using "behavior management" techniques
to teach good behaviors and stop undesired behaviors.
Setting Limits [ Top ]
I need well-defined and consistent limits. Limits will help me learn to avoid
danger and attain socially acceptable behaviors. Limits also put a sense of organization
into my life, giving me clear boundaries regarding what is and what is not acceptable
behavior. Good limits are reasonable and enforceable. When setting limits, consider
my developmental level, temperament, and style. Also, think about what is really
important to you.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What limits must you set for my safety?
- What limits must you set to teach me socially appropriate behaviors?
- What limits must you set to facilitate good sleeping, eating, and toileting habits?
- What behaviors can you cope with?
- What behaviors bother you?
- What limits do you need?
Ask the other adults living in our home to answer the above questions and then compare
your answers. Together, establish a set of limits and rules that are consistent.
This is important. If the rules regarding limits are not consistent, I will be confused
and I may learn that a given rule goes with a certain person, so I will learn to
go to the person whose rules I like.
When setting limits, it is important to minimize the number of limits you set.
If there are too many limits, you will have a lot of no's and don'ts. Constant no's
and don'ts lead to a negative atmosphere that will frustrate both of us. If you find
yourself saying "no" or "don't" a lot, check your expectations
and the environment. Once limits are developmentally appropriate and the environment
doesn't invite misbehavior, the number of no's and don'ts in our home should decrease.
State the rules as positively as possible, but if something is not allowed, say so.
Then use substitution or humor to enforce limits if possible. Tell me what I can
do instead of just what I can't do, and briefly explain why: "You can't jump
off the couch because it's too high and you might get hurt. You can jump off your
step stool because it's low. Let's go jump off your stool and flap our arms like
a bird."
Going between activities and places can be hard for me. Give me a five-minute warning
before changing from one activity to another. This will give me time to bring my
activity to a stopping point. Also, avoid asking me questions if options don't exist.
Try not to ask "Do you want to come to lunch now?" as you put my plate
of food on the table. I may say "No." and then we might have a small disagreement.
If there are options possible, give me a choice. For instance, ask "Do you want
apple or banana slices with your lunch?" Try to motivate me to move to the next
activity whenever possible. You can ease the transition by describing something positive
about the next activity or place. In addition, you can have me verbalize the change
as I experience it. Let me say "Bye, bye slide. I going to water my plant."
as we leave a playground and go home.
As a toddler, I am very inquisitive and strive to be independent. Whenever possible,
add an extra ten minutes to our time schedule to allow me the time I need to go at
my own pace and to do as much as I can for myself. And remember to always praise
me when I follow limits.
Encouraging Good Behaviors [ Top ]
You want me to behave well, and as my parent, one of your major roles can be to
encourage good behaviors. This involves teaching me new behaviors, increasing some
behaviors, and maintaining other behaviors. You can use positive reinforcement to
accomplish all of this. Positive reinforcement should always be the first method
you use when you are trying to encourage good behaviors. Positive reinforcers can
include expressions (smiling, winking, clapping), proximity (sitting next to me,
standing near me, holding me on your lap), contact (hugging, holding hands, giving
a high five), privileges (getting to go somewhere, watching a video, blowing bubbles),
and comments ("I like the way you are sitting.", "Thank you for coming
so fast when I called you." "Hip, hip, hooray! Your underwear is dry!").
Positive reinforcers can also be tangible (hand stamps, stickers, toys). To keep
reinforcers desirable, vary the reinforcers you use with me.
The timing of reinforcement is also important. I do best when I receive reinforcement
immediately after the desired behavior. When you have to delay reinforcement, describe
the past good behavior when you provide the reinforcement. If I am two and a half
to three years of age, you can also use sticker paths and token systems:
- Sticker Path. To make a sticker path, draw a row of connecting squares
(like a sidewalk) on a piece of paper. Make each square large enough for a sticker
to fit inside. Draw or paste a picture of a reward at the end of the sidewalk. Tell
me what behavior earns a sticker, how many stickers I must earn to get the reward,
and what reward I am working toward. Each time I do the desired behavior, together,
we can put a sticker in a square. When each square has a sticker, I get the reward.
- Token System. Give me a small token immediately following a desired behavior.
After I collect a predetermined number of tokens, I turn the tokens in for something
special. Almost anything can serve as a token as long as it is safe, easy to handle,
and durable.
Stopping Undesired Behaviors [ Top ]
You will only need to spend a minimal amount of time stopping undesired behaviors
if you set well-defined and consistent limits, use limit-setting strategies, and
use positive reinforcement to encourage good behaviors. When trying to stop my undesired
behaviors, avoid using harsh words and physical punishment. Avoid harsh words because
telling me that I am bad, sloppy, or mean only lowers my self-esteem. Remember, the
behavior is what is bad--it is my room that is sloppy or pushing that is mean-- not
me. Avoid physical punishment for three reasons:
- First and most important, you could accidently hurt me.
- Second, physical punishment creates fear. I should not be afraid of you; I should
trust you so I will go to you whenever I need you.
- Third, physical punishment causes confusion. I will wonder why I can't hit you
or others if you hit me. If you are about to hit me, raise your voice and slap a
table or your own knee instead. Take a deep breath, and then use a more appropriate
form of behavior management. Extinction and time-out are the two best ways to stop
an undesired behavior.
To use extinction, you ignore my undesired behavior, allowing the behavior to
continue until I grow tired of it. Ignoring the behavior works if your attention
is what I want. Extinction works very well for decreasing tantrums. Extinction doesn't
work if I receive additional reinforcement for the behavior. If you smile or laugh
while you are trying to ignore me, you will reinforce the behavior. I may also receive
additional reinforcement from other people in the room. You may do an excellent job
of ignoring me, but if someone else laughs, I am likely to continue the behavior.
When you use extinction, remember that the behavior usually gets worse before it
gets better. If I expect a reaction from the behavior, I will persist with the behavior
before giving up. Do not use extinction if my behavior is harmful or destructive.
If I bite another child or tear pictures out of a book at the library, give me a
time-out. If I am hurting myself, tell me firmly and calmly to stop the harmful behavior.
If I won't stop, prevent me from hurting myself. If I am banging my head, for example,
place a pillow or your hand between my head and the surface I am banging on. If harmful
or destructive behaviors continue and I am difficult to control, talk with my doctor--I
may need special help learning appropriate behavior.
A "time-out" involves putting me in a safe and boring place,
such as a corner, for a specified amount of time. Before giving me a time-out, give
me a warning. If I continue with the behavior, calmly give me a time-out. In the
beginning, you may need to guide me to my time-out spot. It is unlikely that I will
simply sit or stand still when you first put me in time-out. You can keep me sitting
in time-out by kneeling behind the chair and wrapping your arms around me. If I stand
in a corner for time-out, use your body as a third wall to keep me in the corner.
Through experience I will learn that I may not leave time-out until you say that
I can. Allow me to leave time-out when an appropriate amount of time has passed and
I am behaving as desired. In general, I should stay in time-out one minute for every
year I am old. Setting a timer is usually helpful. Doing this keeps accurate track
of how long I am in time-out. Timers are also good to use because I will probably
take my anger out on the timer instead of you. After time-out, spend a minute or
two talking with me about why I got the time-out and suggest appropriate behaviors
for the future. Avoid threatening to give a time-out at a later time. Delayed time-outs
generally don't work because I am too young to remember what I did to deserve the
time-out and why I did it. Remember to explain things to me with love and understanding.
Consistency and follow-through are the keys to helping me behave. If you don't
allow something, never allow it. If you must make an exception, tell me why the rule
is different. Throughout the day, provide me with plenty of love and time for cuddling.
Cuddles won't spoil me--I need your attention and affection.
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